No Meat? Taco Bell

February 25, 2011

The lawsuit against Taco Bell — filed by plaintiffs who have no familiarity with meat deputization — alleges that the restaurant’s “taco meat filling” is only 35 percent meat and 65 percent, well, etc. Taco Bell claims the filling is 88 percent beef.  “Plaintiff and respondent are missing the point,” says fake food lawyer Chris Childress. “People seem to forget that it’s entirely possible that this etc. is what makes their food, pound-for-penny, the best faux Mexican food out there.”
Indeed, avid Mexican food customers agree. “Have you seen the prices at Chipotle?”  asks Taco Bell diner Randall Cort, 35. “If they wanted to charge 99 cents for one of their burritos, they’d have to jack up the Water, Seasoning [Isolated Oat Product, Salt, Chili Pepper, Onion Powder, Tomato Powder, Oats (Wheat), Soy Lecithin, Sugar, Spices, Maltodextrin, Soybean Oil (Anti-dusting Agent), Garlic Powder, Autolyzed Yeast Extract, Citric Acid, Caramel Color, Cocoa Powder (Processed With Alkali), Silicon Dioxide, Natural Flavors, Yeast, Modified Corn Starch, Natural Smoke Flavor], Salt, and Sodium Phosphates content, too.”

where’s the beef? just send a witness


McConnell Killed by Rogue Vegetables

December 20, 2010

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Mitch McConnell (RINO, Ky) was killed today when a rabble of angry vegetables swarmed him outside the Russell Senate Office Building.
Killer tomatoes ripped McConnell limb from limb and fed him to locally grown corn and cucumbers after McConnell turned traitor and helped Democrats pass the Food Safety Bill, outlawing the sale of locally grown vegetables and fruits at food stands.
Local farmers stood by as the vegetables raged, cheering and holding signs with slogans such as “An Ear of McConnell for an Ear of Corn” and “My Squash, Your Face.”
Last year, more people were killed by automobile accidents, heart attacks, lung cancer, and natural causes combined than by any one tomato,” said one local farmer, adding that one turncoat senator is far more dangerous than the risk any homegrown vegetable poses to the average American.
When told the bill would ruin their chances for school field trips to local fruit stands, children visiting the Capital Building raided a Whole Foods market and pelted McConnell’s remains with Brussel sprouts.
Said one particularly rotund pumpkin from Maryland who joined in the fray, in between bites from one of McConnell’s arms, “This gives a whole new meaning to the saying, ‘Eat Local.’”